Master Debaters
by ActuallyAPenguin
Summary: Roy, Kaldur, Dick, and Wally were the best of friends. But even the closest of allies have their childish spats every now and then. A series about some of the most ridiculous arguments of all time. T for some words and themes.
1. The Daphne Dispute

Roy, Kaldur, Dick and Wally were the best of friends. But even the closest of allies have their little childish spats every now and then.

"You're crazy!" Dick shouted at Wally for the umpteenth time that night. They'd been going at it for the last half an hour now and it had all started when someone mentioned Scooby-Doo. "You'd either be Velma or Shaggy and I'd be Daphne, no questions asked!"

"You don't even have red hair! How are you supposed be Daphne?" Wally asked, leaning forward from his seat on the leather sofa.

"Well, let's see," the younger boy drawled confidently, "I'm rich, I'm frickin' fabulous- I mean have you _seen_ me- and I know martial arts! What're you bringing to the table, wannabe?"

"First of all," Wally began, index finger raised to the ceiling of Roy's apartment. "We never clarified which incarnation of Daphne we were. You're talking about the one from -when was that, 2005? I'm talking about the original! And what am _I_ bringing to the table?"

That was all Kaldur paid attention to before they decided to tune out his younger counterparts. He looked at Roy from his seat on the far right of the couch. Roy just leaned back in his armchair and glanced at the Atlantean before returning his gaze to the ongoing feud on the couch.

He allowed it to continue for another five minutes before interjecting. "You know something? You two are _teenage boys_ arguing over which of you is most similar to a **_fictional_** _teenage girl_. Honestly, would it kill you to act your age for once!?"

Said teenage boys avoided each other's gazes and flushed lightly at being called out. Releasing a breath he wasn't aware he was holding, Kaldur sunk into the couch and enjoyed the silence.

"Besides, if anyone's Daphne, it's me."

But nothing lasts forever.

"Whaaaaat?"

"BULLSHIT!"

Kaldur closed his eyes and let out a long sigh. It was going to be a long night.


	2. Battle of the Bands

**A/N: Thanks for the positive reviews! This chapter is inspired by an argument I actually had with my friends at school once.**

It was a typical Friday night in Star City. Dick and Wally had dragged Kaldur along to go see Roy. Roy feigned annoyance, and as per usual wound up taking the group out for dinner (at McDonald's because Subway was pricey).

Somehow they found themselves sitting at the picnic tables of the nearby park. It was so nice and quiet. That is until Dick felt the need to play Alone Together by Fall Out Boy on his phone, sparking yet another battle of the half-wits.

"How can you listen to this?" Wally asked, putting down his fourth Big Mac in favor of criticizing his friend's tastes. "Do you have any Twenty One Pilots on that brick of a cell phone?"

"First of all, are you mad that mine's bigger than yours?" Robin teased with a wiggle of his eyebrows. He took a long sip from his chocolate milkshake before he spoke again. "Secondly, if I wanted to listen to something depressing, I would've just stayed home with Bruce."

"Yeah, Wally," Roy agreed. He wiped his salt and ketchup covered fingers on a napkin and then locked eyes with the younger ginger. "Besides, we all know that My Chemical Romance is king."

Kaldur, having finished his salad ages ago, leaned foward and rested his arms on the table. This was going to be... interesting to say the least.

"What are you talking about?" Dick all but yelled. "They're emo trash! Even more so than Twenty One Pilots! Fall Out Boy is clearly the superior rock band here. Their songs don't make you want to paint your finger nails black and write poetry because you're 'more complicated than people realize.'"

"Oh see, that's where you're wrong," Wally countered. "Have you heard Tear In My Heart? That's, like, the most pure love song in the Universe! How's that for 'emo trash?'"

"And I personally fail to see how Teenagers counts as nail-painting, poetry-writing 'emo trash'", Roy returned, now fully invested in the conversation.

"But have you heard of a little ditty called I'm Not Ok?" Wally challenged. Kaldur looked confused, the references were completely lost on him. "Or how about Thanks For The Memories?" His eyes darted back to his best friend sitting across from him. "That song's more emo than Superboy!"

"Objection!" Robin yelped, earning him three confused glances from his older comrades. "Like 80% of Twenty One Pilots songs are about self-loathing, death, heartbreak or suicidal thoughts. Am I right or am I right?"

"You look pretty damn left to me," Wally muttered in defeat.

"And you!" the youngest of the group exclaimed, now turning his attention to Roy.

"Yes?" Roy responded innocently batting his eyelashes.

The young bird visibly flinched uncomfortably before saying, "Honestly, we could be at this for Centuries." He grinned from ear to ear as his older companions groaned in exasperation.

"That joke literally gave me Cancer," Roy quipped with a slight grin.

"Not you too, Harper!" Wally remarked. "You two are giving me a Migraine!"

"As entertaining as this is to watch, I think you all are forgetting one crucial fact," Kaldur added, putting an abrupt end to the pun war raging on in front of him.

"Oh?" Roy asked tersely. "And what may that be?"

"Panic at the Disco will always reign Victorious," Kaldur returned without missing a beat.

"Oh my god!" Robin cackled. "Ok, you win!"

The other boys just chuckled and applauded and murmered in defeat.

Kaldur felt a smirk tug at his lips and allowed himself to revel in his triumph, if only this once. And to this day Dick and Wally have always hummed Victorious whenever Kaldur walked into a room.

A/N: Not as proud of this one, but chapter 3 is already in the works and I swear it'll be better (maybe).


	3. HIGH-larious

A/N: Finally finished. Based off of a post I saw on Tumblr. Featuring some Spitfire for Artemis Raven Courtney.

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A _girl_ attending a Guy's Night In was simply unheard of. Yet there was Artemis, head resting Wally's knee while she sat on the floor of one Roy Harper's apartment. The two infamously standoffish archers, by order of their mutual friends, kept their distance from each other, avoided eye contact, and restrained themselves from making snarky comments whenever the other was speaking.

That didn't really relieve the dense tension in the room, though. You could cut through that with a plastic spoon.

This led Robin, who noticed Wally's flinching whenever one of his rowdy companions would even _move,_ decided to do what he did best: ask weird and annoying questions.

"What would you call it if you masturbated and smoked weed at the same time?"

Artemis responded with a snort and was prepared to make some snide remark about why he would need to know such a term before Roy quite unceremoniously answered, "Masturblazing. Simple."

Kaldur, whom upon being informed of Artemis's arrival strategically retreated to the kitchen, set down his cherry Dr. Pepper in favor of shooting judgemental looks at his quirky little clique.

"Yeah, it's simple. _Too_ simple. You gotta 'wow' me, Harper!" The youngest and arguably the most eccentric person in the room exclaimed.

"Ooh! Ooh!" Wally shouted excitedly. Artemis looked up at her boyfriend and gave him a half-expecting, half-amused glare. "How about weedwhacking?"

"Meh," the little bird said. "Still a little on the nose."

"I believe," Kaldur boomed from the kitchen, shocking his friends from their inane antics, "the correct term is 'disappointing your mother.'"

Dick snickered from his spot next to Wally on the couch, head resting on the leg that wasn't currently being occupied. The ginger speedster just smirked cockily and Roy just rolled his eyes as he rose from his black armchair to join the Atlantean in the kitchen.

It was as the elder archer swooped into the cramped area and took a quick swig of Kaldur's soda that Artemis suddenly snapped her fingers and triumphantly yelped, "Hijacking!"

Needless to say, Roy nearly choked and Dick and Wally chortled at his expense.

"DAMMIT!" Roy bellowed. Even Kaldur chuckled quietly before feigning exasperation.

The rest of the night consisted of choking and archery puns, ice cream filled water balloons, and empty threats against each other's lives. Artemis was then presented with an offer to join them again. She declined due to the fact that, " _THIS WILL NEVER WASH OUT YOU ASSHOLES!"_

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A/N: *weakly* yay. I did it. Not really an argument but I thought it was pretty fluffy and Spitfire-y and nice so yeah.


	4. Rodents

**A/N: So sorry this took so long.**

It was another quiet Friday night in Central City. It was Wally's parents' wedding anniversary and he had somehow managed to convince them to go out for the night. Since no one wants to be alone on a Friday night, he invited his best friends ("I have other friends, shut up!") over to hang out after 3 weeks of pure stress and solitude.

Dick sat on the far left side of the couch with Wally next to him, Kaldur in the middle and Roy on the far right. Some crappy movie was being ridiculed by the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on Netflix, but none of the boys bothered to pay attention. They were all occupied with lazy chatter and genuinely enjoying each other's company.

It was actually quite nice before our dearest Wallace decided to open his mouth.

"OK," he said, seizing the attention of the archer and the acrobat and an exasperated glare from their substitute mom. "Which rodent is the scariest?"

"Beaver," Roy said without hesitation, earning a snicker from Robin and puzzled looks from Kaldur and Wally. "First of all, not that kind of beaver, _Dick_. Second of all, their _teeth_ can cut through wood. I can't even do that with my hands, like, what the fuck?"

Wally nodded in understanding. Kaldur just blinked. Robin was still snickering.

"Well," Wally began,"I'm personally freaked out by squirrels. Their blank eyes just stare at you while they consume the unborn children of countless oak trees."

"Ok, why?" the Atlantean all but whined as he buried his face in his webbed hands.

"Well, which rodent are you freaked out by?" Wally asked with arms folded across his chest. It was a very sensitive subject... to someone...probably...

"Most rodents make me somewhat uncomfortable," Kaldur said in that firm tone that meant he wouldn't be elaborating his answer, nor would he be answering any more questions.

Roy blatantly ignored his friends dramatics and instead defensively responded, "Beavers are way weirder than squirrels. _They have two different eyelids_!"

"One word!" the younger ginger exclaimed. "Rabies! Ya like rabies, Harper?!"

Before the archer could so much as think of a witty retort, Robin spoke up. "Naked mole rat."

"What?" his three older companions asked in unison.

"Naked mole rat," he repeated matter-of-factly. "They can't get cancer and they're 50 shades of fugly."

When his comment was met by silence, he smiled victoriously and returned his attention to movie. He _may_ have also spammed their phones with pictures of naked mole rats for the remainder of the night.

 **A/N: You can PM prompts to me.** **I would really appreciate it. :)**

 **OK, thanks.**

 **I LOOOOVVVEE YOU!**


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